Knights Versus Baby
by MsPercival
Summary: Sir Percival wants to give his wife, Tiane, a break from caring for their baby. He offers to take care of Baby Percy for the afternoon, and enlists his friend Sir Gwaine's help. Canon AU. One shot.


_A/N – This story was inspired be week 46 of the 2015 Writing Challenge over at The Heart of Camelot called_ Something Filled with Humor _. This story is a canon AU, and takes place a few years after Camlann, and YAY, Gwaine is alive! In my heart, he's always alive. I can't help it. Plenty of fluff and humor._

 **Knights Versus Baby**

It was just after lunch time, and Sir Percival rocked his plump eight-month-old son in his arms as he paced his cottage back and forth, forth and back.

"It's all right, little man," said Percival in a soothing voice, but Baby Percy didn't seem to agree. Thanks to colic and teething pain, Percy had whined and shrieked his way through the better part of the last week, and his cries had grown even sharper and louder since yesterday. But for some reason, the worst of the wailing seemed to occur in the middle of the night, or right before dawn, the times when Percival and his wife were most exhausted. Babies didn't seem to care about schedules or their parents' need for sleep.

But even during trying times like these, Percival loved being a father and treasured his little family. He'd do anything to make his child happy and ease his wife's burden. Poor Tiane had to take the baby everywhere: to the market, to gather herbs, and out on her house calls as a healer. Percival realized he had it much easier than Tiane, since he got time away from home when working for King Arthur. And though he wouldn't say it aloud, Tiane had grown grumpy during the last few days, too. Not that Percival blamed her – lack of sleep and a wailing baby attached to one's hip had the tendency to irritate even the calmest person's nerves.

Percy let out another high-pitched wail, and Percival felt like joining him. Tiane's head rested on her folded arms on the dining table, and she groaned with fatigue. Percival couldn't stand seeing her like that, so worn-out and overwhelmed.

Percival brought his son over to the window. "See, little man? It's springtime now. I think you need to get outside for some fresh air. That'll set you straight."

Tiane, her eyes half closed, her dark locks pulled back into a messy bun, sat up. "Give him here," she said. "I'll take him out."

"No, no, no. I will take him. Look!" Percival tilted his head toward the window. "It's sunny and warm so I can bring Percy out without bundling him up. Let me take him for an hour or so. You put your feet up and get a little rest. Enjoy the quiet."

Tiane, appearing more alert, frowned. "What if he gets hungry?"

"You just nursed. He'll be fine."

"What if he needs a change?"

"I can change him. I've changed him before."

"And if it's a _messy_ change?" asked Tiane, raising her eyebrows.

Percival scoffed and waved his hand in the air. "I've seen men lose their heads. I can handle changing my son's soiled cloth."

"I don't know…" said Tiane with a sigh.

"What if I bring Gwaine with me? Would that make you feel better?"

"Not exactly. You're talking about the man who said he'd tie a sword to our son's hand and 'train him young.'"

"But it's good to start them young," countered Percival, bouncing a fussing Percy on his hip again.

"Sword training at one week old?"

Percival frowned. "I'm sure he was just kidding."

Tiane groaned, leaned back in her seat, and closed her eyes. "All right, go ahead and take him. But not for too long and _please_ come straight home if you have trouble."

"We won't have any trouble. Isn't that right, Son?" Percival held his son up high in the air and the baby giggled. "We'll have a great time!"

Percival wrapped young Percy in a light blanket, kissed Tiane on the cheek, and wandered straight to Gwaine's cottage in the middle of the Lower Town. After all, a little backup never hurt! Why not have Gwaine come along for a nice springtime walk in the sunshine?

Upon arrival at Gwaine's cottage, Percival tapped on the front door. After a long pause, Gwaine turned up, his tunic half tied and wrinkled, appearing as if he'd slept in his clothes. Gwaine made a face of disgust as he eyed Percival and Percy up and down warily.

"I don't want whatever you're peddling," said Gwaine, before slamming the door in Percival's face.

Percival banged on the front door again with his free fist. "Percy's a baby, not an evil pit viper, Gwaine."

"He might as well be!" Gwaine called out from behind his door. "Babies scare me."

"Never mind! I'll walk him to the lake myself."

The door swung open and Gwaine stood there, his tunic tied and his boots on. "Don't be so dramatic. I'll go with you."

"Speaking of dramatic…"

Percival and Gwaine ambled to the lake with Percival pointing out trees and birds to Percy as they walked. Gwaine uncorked his wineskin, offering it to Baby Percy, and the little one giggled and grabbed at it. Percival smacked away the skin, and Gwaine chuckled.

"I think I like this boy after all," said Gwaine, taking a surreptitious sip of wine.

Once they'd made their way to the lakeside, Percy screwed up his face and started shrieking again. When the baby turned an alarming shade of purple, Gwaine said, "We should go home. He might be dying."

"He's not dying! He has colic and he's getting teeth."

Percival took a seat on the grass and bounced Percy on his knee but to no avail; Percy kept crying, his shrieks sounding more desperate and pained than ever. Gwaine dropped down right beside them.

"All right, hand over the caterwauling bundle," said Gwaine, holding his arms open.

Percival carefully deposited Percy in Gwaine's arms, and immediately, Percy stopped crying. In fact, he gave a toothless grin and sang: "GuGuGu!"

"Hey! He said my name!" Gwaine held Percy right in front of his face. "You're a good boy, aren't you? You know your Uncle Gwaine."

Percy gave a short giggle, yet a moment later, a stream of projectile vomit shot from his mouth and right onto Gwaine's face. Percival tried his hardest to hold back his laughter, but it was impossible. He fell back onto the warm grass and cackled.

"Oh my gods, oh my gods," muttered Gwaine, holding Percy with one hand and wiping off vomit with the other. "This is so disgusting…"

"Serves you right," said Percival, sitting up and trying to curb his laughter. "How many times have I had to clean vomit off you?"

Gwaine rubbed his vomit-caked face on the shoulder of his tunic. "Never!"

"That's not true. Let's see… I recall the last two Yules, last Samhain, the past _three_ Beltane's… Then there was that time in that roadside tavern after the confrontation at the Plains of Denaria…"

"Fine. You made your point." Gwaine reached for his wineskin. "And now I need a drink."

"Gwaine! No!" Percival grabbed the skin away and tossed it over his shoulder. "You can't drink while caring for a baby."

"Fine. Calm down, big man."

Percy, none the worse for wear after his projectile vomit episode, smiled up at Gwaine, cooing and babbling.

"I don't see what's so hard about having a baby," said Gwaine with bravado. "This isn't so bad."

Percy kept smiling, but his face turned bright red and he grunted, letting loose a long, loud, wet fart. The moment after, it sounded as an explosion took place in his cloth, and Gwaine pinched his nose.

"Percival… Gods, it smells terrible!" Gwaine gagged and covered his mouth. "Take him, take him!"

"All right, wait, let me get his new cloth." Percival blanched. "Gwaine? I forgot to bring a change for him."

"What do we do?" asked Gwaine, sounding so panicked Percival had to force himself not to laugh.

Percival stood up and helped Gwaine to his feet. "I'll take off his cloth and you dip his rear in the lake."

"Oh, he is _not_ going to like that! The water's still cold this time of year."

"Do you have any better ideas?"

Gwaine marched to the lake's edge. "Not a one. Let's dip this boy's arse in the lake."

Percival untied Percy's filled, smelly cloth and allowed it to drop to the ground. Immediately, Gwaine went to his knees and dipped Percy into the crisp lake water a few times. During each dunk, Percy squealed with glee and punched his little fists in the air. Gwaine held Percy at arm's length and examined the child.

"There you are! All clean, little monster," announced Gwaine.

Percy, twisting and writhing with excitement, pissed right in Gwaine's face. The stream of urine hit Gwaine square in the eye.

"Take your son!" demanded Gwaine. "I can't stand any more!"

"Fine, hand him over." Percival took a step forward to collect Percy, but slipped on an algae-covered rock, lost his footing, and landed right in the lake with a resounding splash. He emerged from the water sopping wet and scowling.

"Let's go home," said Gwaine, "before further disaster strikes. And I'll carry Percy since you're… wet."

Percival and Gwaine dissolved into laughter. Today had consisted of one fiasco after another. If they didn't return home, who knew what other mishaps might befall them?

As they made their way home in the bright afternoon sun, Gwaine asked, "What are we going to tell Tiane about Percy's bare arse?"

Percival shrugged. "Tell her we lost the cloth, I suppose."

"Right. We'll tell her it just disappeared. I'm sure she'll take that well."

Percival and Gwaine entered the cottage to find Tiane fast asleep in her chair, her feet propped up on a stool, and a slight smile on her face. Percival hated the thought of waking her and tried to back out the door, but she woke.

"I see you survived," she said, rising and stretching. She looked so much better rested, but when her gaze swept over Percival, Gwaine and her son, she narrowed her eyes and placed her hands on her hips.

"Percival, you're soaked, Gwaine's covered in piss and sick, and Percy is bare arsed." Taine walked up to her son and squeezed his cheek, and he let out a loud giggle. "But Percy looks happy, so…" She shook her head. "Never mind. I don't want to know what happened."

Tiane collected Percy from Gwaine and got the baby all cleaned up and changed into a long tunic. Meanwhile, Percival slipped behind the privacy screen and changed into dry clothes.

"Percival," said Gwaine, "buy your wife a rare jewel! No, buy her ten! How do women do this every day, taking care of children? Mothers deserve to be knighted. I'm exhausted after an hour of child care." He fell into a chair.

Percival approached Tiane and from behind and wrapped his arms around her. "He's right, you know. You do so much." He nibbled on the back of her neck as she wiped down Percy's smiling face. "I appreciate everything you do."

Tiane placed Percy down in his cradle, and within moments, the baby closed his eyes and slept.

"Look at him." Tiane gazed at the baby with affection as she pulled Percival close to her. "Isn't he adorable?"

"He is." Percival held his wife close and kissed the top of her head. "It's a good thing we have just the one, though. Gwaine's right. Babies are hard work."

"Percival?"

"Yes?"

"I'm pregnant again."

 **THE END**


End file.
